Or, wherefore art thou?
By: Theolonius McTavish, a permanently “lost” soul who hangs out at the “lost-and-found” for companionship, (especially when he can’t remember what he’s looking for or where he can find his reason for being).
There are some things you never seem to find when you’re just meandering along minding your own business, or more to the point, doing anything to keep your mind off impending disasters like the arrival of an alien from outer space, a cosmic collision, or a blessed bill collector from the Big Guy in the Sky.
To make things easier on those with failing memories and falling arches, the following represents a short list of things I’ve never been able to find in my entire life.
1. Humble Pie – Few have ever heard of it, fewer have found the recipe, and still fewer admit to eating it!
2. Heffalumps and Hippogriffs – These are wonderful weird and wild beasts that no one has ever spotted, captured or been able to ride side saddle upon.
3. Shangri-la – There may be a lot of posh places on earth called “Shangri-la”, (like saloons, spas, and spendthrift resorts), but I’ve never heard of anyone who’s happy, well-adjusted, and contented with life admitting they come from this enigmatic if not elusive place in the cosmos.
4. One-Eyed-One-Horned-Flying-Purple-People-Eaters – They do not appear to be listed in any reputable encyclopedia nor are they found in petting zoos.
5. The Pink Panther – With the exception of a movie by the same name, this creature appears to shun publicity by avoiding spunky safari hunters, which leaves only one conclusion – he’d rather let those dreadful pink flamingos flap their wings and excite all those camera-toting tourists into behaving like utter fools.
6. A cow that can jump over the moon – I’ve never seen a dairy cow or a sacred cow capable of jumping over a celestial body of any sort (but then there’s always a first time if you believe that pigs can fly).
7. A silk purse made from a sow’s ear – This is another one of those miracle makeovers they might flog on the Shopping Channel for only three easy payments of $49.95 plus shipping and handling…although I’m sure that the SPCA would have a thing or two to say about such an occurrence not to mention environmentally-friendly folks from Greenpeace and the Sierra Club.
8. The Great Pumpkin – There are so few friendly fiends to see on Halloween, that this would be a real winner if anyone could ever coax this critter out from wherever he’s hiding so we can all dress up in our orange outfits and hum a little ditty to keep the horrible hobgoblins away plus the testy trolls.
9. Francis the Talking Mule – Most mangy mules I’ve met don’t talk, don’t walk, and don’t do what they’re asked to do even if you plead with them nicely, which means if you can find one that can communicate …for Pete’s sake ask him where to buy the best burger and ice-cream in town!
10. A Flying Carpet – We may have “frequent flyer points” but frankly, what good are they without a “flying carpet” to take you anywhere you want to go?
So rather than fret about the top 10 things I’ve never seen, I shall pull the wool over my eyes, and pretend that this is the best of all possible worlds like my dear friend, Candide!
Theolonius McTavish is a boisterous bagpiper with a penchant for jelly-bean music and licorice ice-cream when he’s not lollygagging about in the Court of The Quipping Queen.
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